letting go

I want my students to succeed.

In my ideal world, "succeed" means they get their homework in on time, enjoy learning, experience wonderful "aha" moments of discovery, feel confident as they complete various assignments and exams, and then get straight A's on all of said assignments because they understand every concept perfectly and are putting their all into their work for this class.

I also want my students to grow.

This means they learn how to manage their time, how hard they must work to meet the standards, how much they are capable of (which is, no doubt, more than they think is possible), how to persevere after failure, how to ask for help.

The reality is: I don't have control over either one - their growth, or their success.

As their teacher, I have many responsibilities: present the material as clearly as possible, outline my expectations, hold the standard high, give feedback as frequently as possible, make myself available to answer questions, believe in and affirm their capability, get to know them and their individual stories, work to be fair, and offer grace when necessary.

I wish I could offer them grace all the time.
But I wouldn't be doing them any favors.
Truth and grace must always go hand in hand.

I hope they will learn about music theory in my class. I hope they will learn to understand and appreciate music on a deeper level, and I hope it will inform their performance.
More than that, I hope they will learn about being a college student, about becoming an adult, about hard work, about high standards, about grace - about themselves.

These thoughts were percolating as I dropped spoonfuls of dough onto a cookie sheet on Thursday night.  When I was a TA for this class, more than a few years ago, I made it a habit to bring cookies to my students every time they had an exam. That way, there was a happy end to an hour of mental gymnastics. And also, if they didn't do well, at least there were cookies, right?

I suppose making cookies is one of my ways of coping with my lack of control.  I cannot control their study habits or their success.  I will ultimately have to give them the grade they earn.  But I CAN feed them some sugar (and hopefully make them smile) along the way.

This morning, I spent 3 hours grading exams.  And, as expected, I had to <reluctantly> enter several low grades in my grade book.  In need of some kind of release, I threw on my running shoes and hit the trail.  My body began to relax, as I every-so-slowly unclenched my fists, loosened my grip.

This semester will not be easy for me.  I will learn how to let go in a whole new way...and I will have to learn to do it again and again.

It's all part of the process.  It's all part of the journey.  It's all part of living life with open hands.

But, let's be honest.....at the end of the day, at least there are still cookies.